( he supposes his mistakes would come to light eventually. he just would have preferred this specific dirty laundry to be thrown out entirely. oh well. it’s just an irksome annoyance now and not really a big deal.
but relationships include trust, right? honesty.
this is difficult. feelings. wow. )
The better question is when is he not wasting air on this planet?
( how does one properly handle this? dice has gotten annoyed with certain things being over text before but ???? but!!!! )
If he makes good on that “threat”, please feel free.
( he’s going to uh. explain when dice gets home. it’s in the past and well before he dated dice but it’s still. awkward. and he feels stupid and guilty about it.
No thank you. We have food leftover. I’ll reheat it when you’re close.
( he can’t believe he’s been sending back hearts as well. when did he turn so soft.
when dice gets home, there’s reheated rice and a beef stew on the stove, with a few plates set out so dice can decide just how much he wants. gentaro is on the couch in a robe, cat snoozing on his stomach. )
[It's still wild to Dice, having a "home" to go back to. Being able to unlock the door and go inside and see their weird little shared apartment that's half chaos and half minimalism. He's a solid four years younger than his beau, but he's setting himself on the right path. Today was step two.
Once inside, he toes his shoes off and heads straight for the couch, leaning over to kiss Gentaro on the forehead before going to the kitchen.]
[Those words, as always, give Dice a little pleasant pause. Even if they're just playing house, it's nice. It's... it's just weirdly nice to have a home. And a family. And to be wanted.
He picks up his plate and heads over to sit beside Gentaro, digging in to the food.]
Sorry for the weird message earlier. Just seemed like that dude was giving you a hard time for no reason.
[Dice stirs his stew a bit and takes a bite, nonchalant. He's a little bit of an idiot, yeah, but he gets what that means. Part of him is... not quite jealous, or angry, but a little off. Still, Gentaro ended up with him, and not whoever that dick clown was, so fuck that guy.]
That's it? He's just mad he can't get laid? Fuck's wrong with him...
( gentaro exhales in peculiar relief. though he ought to add some color to it. it’s... likely going to upset dice, but not because of gentaro. )
Oh, quite a bit. He’s terribly violent and borderline abusive.
( no lie. also intended to dispel any possible notion that there had ever been any stirrings or possibilities that gentaro would have ever grown attached. )
[He's right. That stops Dice cold. He calmly puts his spoon down on the edge of the plate.]
You, uh...
[Shit, he doesn't want to sound jealous and he's thinking too hard which means he's going to say the wrong thing and fuck this up so maybe if he just backtracks and changes the subject like a guy doing a fucking bat-turn in an action movie...]
( there’s another stretch of awkward silence. if he puts all of this into words, it’s going to sound as pathetic as he really is. oh well. )
No. At least, not with him. ( THINK HARD ON THAT DICE. )
To clarify, I had simply ... tolerated it because I was uncertain where we stood. It only confirmed that it wasn’t worth doing —any of it— if it wasn’t with you.
[Weirdly enough, to Dice anyway, that makes him feel entirely hollow for a moment. Cold, down to the pit of his stomach. He'd managed to forget those weeks where they didn't so much as see each other, and yeah, it's an assumption, him thinking that's when this happened, but...
He doesn't want to blame Gentaro for it. For not knowing, or wanting to confront it. Dice himself is just so weirdly up front with his emotions that wanting to hide them on this topic is new and kind of awful.
To be fair, he's not insecure about where he stands now. That's why he finds his own reaction strange and intolerable. He wants to forget anyone else ever happened. Or anything. He could say that he wished Gentaro had just talked to him about it, or that they'd figured it out together... But that wouldn't have worked.
No matter what he says, he's going to fuck things up. That's how he feels right now. And it's terrifying.
Plastering on a bright smile, he picks up his spoon again.]
It's no big. You're happy now, that's what matters, right?
from the moment gentaro did it, he knew it’d be a big deal, one he couldn’t just shake off or forget or compartmentalize. it would be something he’d eventually have to tell dice, to mention, because this world isn’t that big in the grand scheme of things and he wasn’t going to hide something so awkward.
even with dice’s smile and words he knows there’s something off. he isn’t sure how, or why, and maybe he’s just projecting his own clawing guilt over something he knows neither of them want him to feel guilty over.
he sits up more, cat stirring and jumping away as if she senses the tension.
gentaro’s hand goes for dice’s cheek, cups it, hard, tries to turn his face towards him to kiss him with perhaps just as much desperation as that time they saw each other again after three weeks.
he’s sorry for being a coward back then, sorry for even bringing this up. it’s such a mess of a feeling but his lips are insistent, warm, apologetic. )
I love you. ( your shining star is a flawed, complicated and reckless mess of a man, not someone to be idolized. )
[It hurts. He thought, so very naively, that somehow everything was figured out and great and fine the moment they said they loved each other. He thought simply, with no reservations. But all this is in the past! So why is he hurt?
No, he knows why. It's because he wasn't enough back then. No matter what he said or how many times he said it, Gentaro was--is--his own man, making his own decisions and living with them, too. As much as it hurts Dice, who's just an idiot in love for the first time, who doesn't even have a concept of this lasting or ending, it must eat away at Gentaro just as much. Maybe more. Dice knows that. He wants more than anything to reassure Gentaro. How?
The kiss settles him down somewhat, his lips working back against Gentaro's more gently, like rocks that dot a fast running stream. There's pressure in his chest and a lump in his throat, but he manages to speak when Gentaro does.]
That's all that matters. Whatever you did before... if you wanna tell me, that's fine, but you don't have to. You still picked me. And as long as you keep me around, I'll love you hard enough that you won't ever have to question it again.
[His real feelings. The past is done. He'll sock that shitty dick guy if he has to to shut him up, but Dice is secure. He knows Gentaro meant it when he said he only wanted him. They're something, even if they came from nothing. Dice holds on to the meaning this has given him maybe a little too tightly. And maybe he's idolizing Gentaro because of his skills and not acknowledging often enough that the man is human. It's clear now. Again. They had an idyllic couple of weeks, but this is reality. They're both flawed. And that's okay.]
( while gentaro has no experience in relationships, perhaps he’s more cynical and realistic in the sense he knew there would be issues. issues that would require words and not pretty kisses and texts. but they’d be resolved, that he felt so resolutely and firmly. nothing would change how he felt about dice. nothing would stop him from trying to keep this, to make this work, to make dice happy like he so deserved.
he bumps their foreheads together and takes a deep breath. he should have done that from the beginning. dice may be the younger of them but he’s so much more emotionally mature. somehow. )
Ask whatever you’d like to know, and I’ll tell you. ( about anything, anyone, any time. ) As you know, I’m a terribly sore loser... so I intend on keeping this. ( a beat. ) You. ( he was dead serious when he said he’s only ever felt alive with dice, truly enjoyed physical contact with dice. ) And showing you just how brightly you burn.
What if I don't wanna know? Is that bad? [He closes his eyes, keeping them closed while he tries to find the right words.] I'm not stupid. I figured out where you went when you were avoiding me. Ain't like I didn't act like an idiot. I don't want you to worry about anybody else anymore. I'm forgetting all my dumb shit, so you go ahead and do it, too.
[Pulling back, he picks up his plate and moves it off his lap to the side table, then takes one of Gentaro's hands.]
I don't care if it's, like, Ramuda or that host guy. [Both of which sound preposterous!] They're just guys who weren't good enough for you. [He holds eye contact, serious for once.] I love you so fuckin' much. If any of them get on your case about it, they can talk to my shoe when it hits their face. If they don't respect you, I'm not giving them the time of day.
[Dice has no concept of how actually kind and generous he can be. He doesn't realize he's worth effort and time and care. He just thinks of this as something exciting and fun and never boring, and he does what comes naturally. It'll take some very blunt talk to get him to wise up to his own value. But he's trying so hard to be better, too. He smiles softly.]
You're the cool one. You just gotta get past the dumb shit and remember that.
( it’s not bad. gentaro would feel just as dead inside if he was provided a long laundry list of all the things dice said or people he did when they weren’t caught up in each other’s beds. by no means would he be angry with dice, but the feeling that’d overtake him wouldn’t be great; he’d hate it.
dice’s words do make a great deal of sense. he shouldn’t dwell on what this place may or may not have forced him to do, what mistakes he made... he’s been given a gift, weirdly, a time and space to exist without consequence from his life before here, and now again with dice who looks so serious when he says he loves him.
starting today, he’s forgetting dice wasn’t his first. if it’s up to gentaro, dice will be his last; he’s tired of losing precious things and chances at being happy. )
I really am an idiot, aren’t I? ( he muses aloud and curls his fingers tightly in dice’s. ) All right. Starting now, ( he murmurs it and glances down at his device to confirm whatever weird moon date there is ) Anything before three weeks ago simply did not exist. ( his eyes flick back to dice, brighter and more gentaro like. ) By some miracle, I managed to convince Shibuya’s dearest MC Dead or Alive to choose life, and one with a cat and wrinkling old man.
If you're an idiot, what's that make me? I'm sitting here still thinking back to when I got here and we... messed around and everything. Moons or not, I'm happy it happened. I needed that.
[The rest is all ancient history, to Dice. What matters has always been the moment he's in, not the skeletons in the past's closet, and not even the brightest of futures. Maybe Gentaro makes him think about the future, though, and that's... sure something.
Gentaro's right. He chose life. This life. And he wants it to be good. None of this is exciting. The past is extraneous drama and nonsense, and neither of them needs to look back. Gentaro is his only, his now, his future, and his fondest happiness. Hell, he didn't know he could feel this good without risking everything.]
A cat, and you, and uh... [He was holding onto this, but maybe it's the right time to bring it up. He runs a hand through his hair, then fusses with the die and beads hanging near his temple.] ...a job, actually.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
text;
He'll be home soon, but in his downtime he noticed a certain exchange.]
yo is that dick guy bothering u
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but relationships include trust, right? honesty.
this is difficult. feelings. wow. )
The better question is when is he not wasting air on this planet?
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[There's just something weird about that exchange. But Dice'll leave it alone if Gentaro tells him to, so no harm's being done.]
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If he makes good on that “threat”, please feel free.
( he’s going to uh. explain when dice gets home. it’s in the past and well before he dated dice but it’s still. awkward. and he feels stupid and guilty about it.
he really is in love isn’t he. )
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just dont want anybody hassling u sending dick pics and shit like some kinda thirsty crusty fuck
u already eat dinner? im comin home soon
miss u 💚
[Hopefully coming home with good news...]
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I had a late lunch so I figured I’d wait for you.
( he’d have waited regardless, but he doesn’t want dice to feel bad for being out. that’s not Them. anyway. )
I’ll show you just how much I missed you, soon. 💜
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omw home
want me to pick smth up to eat?
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( he can’t believe he’s been sending back hearts as well. when did he turn so soft.
when dice gets home, there’s reheated rice and a beef stew on the stove, with a few plates set out so dice can decide just how much he wants. gentaro is on the couch in a robe, cat snoozing on his stomach. )
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Once inside, he toes his shoes off and heads straight for the couch, leaning over to kiss Gentaro on the forehead before going to the kitchen.]
Sorry for bein' out so late!
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Cat and I did fall asleep for a few hours. I’m afraid I’ll be exceptionally awake tonight.
( with a mild, wolfish grin over at him. )
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Did you already eat? I guess if you took a nap, you haven't.
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I’ll eat once our daughter decides to wake up. Go on without me, dearest husband.
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[Those words, as always, give Dice a little pleasant pause. Even if they're just playing house, it's nice. It's... it's just weirdly nice to have a home. And a family. And to be wanted.
He picks up his plate and heads over to sit beside Gentaro, digging in to the food.]
Sorry for the weird message earlier. Just seemed like that dude was giving you a hard time for no reason.
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He’s been irrationally upset since I informed him I would no longer partake in certain activities with him because I had a boyfriend.
( that’s the simplest.
he feels so anxious and nervous though. )
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That's it? He's just mad he can't get laid? Fuck's wrong with him...
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Oh, quite a bit. He’s terribly violent and borderline abusive.
( no lie. also intended to dispel any possible notion that there had ever been any stirrings or possibilities that gentaro would have ever grown attached. )
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You, uh...
[Shit, he doesn't want to sound jealous and he's thinking too hard which means he's going to say the wrong thing and fuck this up so maybe if he just backtracks and changes the subject like a guy doing a fucking bat-turn in an action movie...]
...You into that or something?
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No. At least, not with him. ( THINK HARD ON THAT DICE. )
To clarify, I had simply ... tolerated it because I was uncertain where we stood. It only confirmed that it wasn’t worth doing —any of it— if it wasn’t with you.
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He doesn't want to blame Gentaro for it. For not knowing, or wanting to confront it. Dice himself is just so weirdly up front with his emotions that wanting to hide them on this topic is new and kind of awful.
To be fair, he's not insecure about where he stands now. That's why he finds his own reaction strange and intolerable. He wants to forget anyone else ever happened. Or anything. He could say that he wished Gentaro had just talked to him about it, or that they'd figured it out together... But that wouldn't have worked.
No matter what he says, he's going to fuck things up. That's how he feels right now. And it's terrifying.
Plastering on a bright smile, he picks up his spoon again.]
It's no big. You're happy now, that's what matters, right?
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from the moment gentaro did it, he knew it’d be a big deal, one he couldn’t just shake off or forget or compartmentalize. it would be something he’d eventually have to tell dice, to mention, because this world isn’t that big in the grand scheme of things and he wasn’t going to hide something so awkward.
even with dice’s smile and words he knows there’s something off. he isn’t sure how, or why, and maybe he’s just projecting his own clawing guilt over something he knows neither of them want him to feel guilty over.
he sits up more, cat stirring and jumping away as if she senses the tension.
gentaro’s hand goes for dice’s cheek, cups it, hard, tries to turn his face towards him to kiss him with perhaps just as much desperation as that time they saw each other again after three weeks.
he’s sorry for being a coward back then, sorry for even bringing this up. it’s such a mess of a feeling but his lips are insistent, warm, apologetic. )
I love you. ( your shining star is a flawed, complicated and reckless mess of a man, not someone to be idolized. )
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No, he knows why. It's because he wasn't enough back then. No matter what he said or how many times he said it, Gentaro was--is--his own man, making his own decisions and living with them, too. As much as it hurts Dice, who's just an idiot in love for the first time, who doesn't even have a concept of this lasting or ending, it must eat away at Gentaro just as much. Maybe more. Dice knows that. He wants more than anything to reassure Gentaro. How?
The kiss settles him down somewhat, his lips working back against Gentaro's more gently, like rocks that dot a fast running stream. There's pressure in his chest and a lump in his throat, but he manages to speak when Gentaro does.]
That's all that matters. Whatever you did before... if you wanna tell me, that's fine, but you don't have to. You still picked me. And as long as you keep me around, I'll love you hard enough that you won't ever have to question it again.
[His real feelings. The past is done. He'll sock that shitty dick guy if he has to to shut him up, but Dice is secure. He knows Gentaro meant it when he said he only wanted him. They're something, even if they came from nothing. Dice holds on to the meaning this has given him maybe a little too tightly. And maybe he's idolizing Gentaro because of his skills and not acknowledging often enough that the man is human. It's clear now. Again. They had an idyllic couple of weeks, but this is reality. They're both flawed. And that's okay.]
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he bumps their foreheads together and takes a deep breath. he should have done that from the beginning. dice may be the younger of them but he’s so much more emotionally mature. somehow. )
Ask whatever you’d like to know, and I’ll tell you. ( about anything, anyone, any time. ) As you know, I’m a terribly sore loser... so I intend on keeping this. ( a beat. ) You. ( he was dead serious when he said he’s only ever felt alive with dice, truly enjoyed physical contact with dice. ) And showing you just how brightly you burn.
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[Pulling back, he picks up his plate and moves it off his lap to the side table, then takes one of Gentaro's hands.]
I don't care if it's, like, Ramuda or that host guy. [Both of which sound preposterous!] They're just guys who weren't good enough for you. [He holds eye contact, serious for once.] I love you so fuckin' much. If any of them get on your case about it, they can talk to my shoe when it hits their face. If they don't respect you, I'm not giving them the time of day.
[Dice has no concept of how actually kind and generous he can be. He doesn't realize he's worth effort and time and care. He just thinks of this as something exciting and fun and never boring, and he does what comes naturally. It'll take some very blunt talk to get him to wise up to his own value. But he's trying so hard to be better, too. He smiles softly.]
You're the cool one. You just gotta get past the dumb shit and remember that.
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dice’s words do make a great deal of sense. he shouldn’t dwell on what this place may or may not have forced him to do, what mistakes he made... he’s been given a gift, weirdly, a time and space to exist without consequence from his life before here, and now again with dice who looks so serious when he says he loves him.
starting today, he’s forgetting dice wasn’t his first. if it’s up to gentaro, dice will be his last; he’s tired of losing precious things and chances at being happy. )
I really am an idiot, aren’t I? ( he muses aloud and curls his fingers tightly in dice’s. ) All right. Starting now, ( he murmurs it and glances down at his device to confirm whatever weird moon date there is ) Anything before three weeks ago simply did not exist. ( his eyes flick back to dice, brighter and more gentaro like. ) By some miracle, I managed to convince Shibuya’s dearest MC Dead or Alive to choose life, and one with a cat and wrinkling old man.
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[The rest is all ancient history, to Dice. What matters has always been the moment he's in, not the skeletons in the past's closet, and not even the brightest of futures. Maybe Gentaro makes him think about the future, though, and that's... sure something.
Gentaro's right. He chose life. This life. And he wants it to be good. None of this is exciting. The past is extraneous drama and nonsense, and neither of them needs to look back. Gentaro is his only, his now, his future, and his fondest happiness. Hell, he didn't know he could feel this good without risking everything.]
A cat, and you, and uh... [He was holding onto this, but maybe it's the right time to bring it up. He runs a hand through his hair, then fusses with the die and beads hanging near his temple.] ...a job, actually.
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