( gentaro exhales in peculiar relief. though he ought to add some color to it. it’s... likely going to upset dice, but not because of gentaro. )
Oh, quite a bit. He’s terribly violent and borderline abusive.
( no lie. also intended to dispel any possible notion that there had ever been any stirrings or possibilities that gentaro would have ever grown attached. )
[He's right. That stops Dice cold. He calmly puts his spoon down on the edge of the plate.]
You, uh...
[Shit, he doesn't want to sound jealous and he's thinking too hard which means he's going to say the wrong thing and fuck this up so maybe if he just backtracks and changes the subject like a guy doing a fucking bat-turn in an action movie...]
( there’s another stretch of awkward silence. if he puts all of this into words, it’s going to sound as pathetic as he really is. oh well. )
No. At least, not with him. ( THINK HARD ON THAT DICE. )
To clarify, I had simply ... tolerated it because I was uncertain where we stood. It only confirmed that it wasn’t worth doing —any of it— if it wasn’t with you.
[Weirdly enough, to Dice anyway, that makes him feel entirely hollow for a moment. Cold, down to the pit of his stomach. He'd managed to forget those weeks where they didn't so much as see each other, and yeah, it's an assumption, him thinking that's when this happened, but...
He doesn't want to blame Gentaro for it. For not knowing, or wanting to confront it. Dice himself is just so weirdly up front with his emotions that wanting to hide them on this topic is new and kind of awful.
To be fair, he's not insecure about where he stands now. That's why he finds his own reaction strange and intolerable. He wants to forget anyone else ever happened. Or anything. He could say that he wished Gentaro had just talked to him about it, or that they'd figured it out together... But that wouldn't have worked.
No matter what he says, he's going to fuck things up. That's how he feels right now. And it's terrifying.
Plastering on a bright smile, he picks up his spoon again.]
It's no big. You're happy now, that's what matters, right?
from the moment gentaro did it, he knew it’d be a big deal, one he couldn’t just shake off or forget or compartmentalize. it would be something he’d eventually have to tell dice, to mention, because this world isn’t that big in the grand scheme of things and he wasn’t going to hide something so awkward.
even with dice’s smile and words he knows there’s something off. he isn’t sure how, or why, and maybe he’s just projecting his own clawing guilt over something he knows neither of them want him to feel guilty over.
he sits up more, cat stirring and jumping away as if she senses the tension.
gentaro’s hand goes for dice’s cheek, cups it, hard, tries to turn his face towards him to kiss him with perhaps just as much desperation as that time they saw each other again after three weeks.
he’s sorry for being a coward back then, sorry for even bringing this up. it’s such a mess of a feeling but his lips are insistent, warm, apologetic. )
I love you. ( your shining star is a flawed, complicated and reckless mess of a man, not someone to be idolized. )
[It hurts. He thought, so very naively, that somehow everything was figured out and great and fine the moment they said they loved each other. He thought simply, with no reservations. But all this is in the past! So why is he hurt?
No, he knows why. It's because he wasn't enough back then. No matter what he said or how many times he said it, Gentaro was--is--his own man, making his own decisions and living with them, too. As much as it hurts Dice, who's just an idiot in love for the first time, who doesn't even have a concept of this lasting or ending, it must eat away at Gentaro just as much. Maybe more. Dice knows that. He wants more than anything to reassure Gentaro. How?
The kiss settles him down somewhat, his lips working back against Gentaro's more gently, like rocks that dot a fast running stream. There's pressure in his chest and a lump in his throat, but he manages to speak when Gentaro does.]
That's all that matters. Whatever you did before... if you wanna tell me, that's fine, but you don't have to. You still picked me. And as long as you keep me around, I'll love you hard enough that you won't ever have to question it again.
[His real feelings. The past is done. He'll sock that shitty dick guy if he has to to shut him up, but Dice is secure. He knows Gentaro meant it when he said he only wanted him. They're something, even if they came from nothing. Dice holds on to the meaning this has given him maybe a little too tightly. And maybe he's idolizing Gentaro because of his skills and not acknowledging often enough that the man is human. It's clear now. Again. They had an idyllic couple of weeks, but this is reality. They're both flawed. And that's okay.]
( while gentaro has no experience in relationships, perhaps he’s more cynical and realistic in the sense he knew there would be issues. issues that would require words and not pretty kisses and texts. but they’d be resolved, that he felt so resolutely and firmly. nothing would change how he felt about dice. nothing would stop him from trying to keep this, to make this work, to make dice happy like he so deserved.
he bumps their foreheads together and takes a deep breath. he should have done that from the beginning. dice may be the younger of them but he’s so much more emotionally mature. somehow. )
Ask whatever you’d like to know, and I’ll tell you. ( about anything, anyone, any time. ) As you know, I’m a terribly sore loser... so I intend on keeping this. ( a beat. ) You. ( he was dead serious when he said he’s only ever felt alive with dice, truly enjoyed physical contact with dice. ) And showing you just how brightly you burn.
What if I don't wanna know? Is that bad? [He closes his eyes, keeping them closed while he tries to find the right words.] I'm not stupid. I figured out where you went when you were avoiding me. Ain't like I didn't act like an idiot. I don't want you to worry about anybody else anymore. I'm forgetting all my dumb shit, so you go ahead and do it, too.
[Pulling back, he picks up his plate and moves it off his lap to the side table, then takes one of Gentaro's hands.]
I don't care if it's, like, Ramuda or that host guy. [Both of which sound preposterous!] They're just guys who weren't good enough for you. [He holds eye contact, serious for once.] I love you so fuckin' much. If any of them get on your case about it, they can talk to my shoe when it hits their face. If they don't respect you, I'm not giving them the time of day.
[Dice has no concept of how actually kind and generous he can be. He doesn't realize he's worth effort and time and care. He just thinks of this as something exciting and fun and never boring, and he does what comes naturally. It'll take some very blunt talk to get him to wise up to his own value. But he's trying so hard to be better, too. He smiles softly.]
You're the cool one. You just gotta get past the dumb shit and remember that.
( it’s not bad. gentaro would feel just as dead inside if he was provided a long laundry list of all the things dice said or people he did when they weren’t caught up in each other’s beds. by no means would he be angry with dice, but the feeling that’d overtake him wouldn’t be great; he’d hate it.
dice’s words do make a great deal of sense. he shouldn’t dwell on what this place may or may not have forced him to do, what mistakes he made... he’s been given a gift, weirdly, a time and space to exist without consequence from his life before here, and now again with dice who looks so serious when he says he loves him.
starting today, he’s forgetting dice wasn’t his first. if it’s up to gentaro, dice will be his last; he’s tired of losing precious things and chances at being happy. )
I really am an idiot, aren’t I? ( he muses aloud and curls his fingers tightly in dice’s. ) All right. Starting now, ( he murmurs it and glances down at his device to confirm whatever weird moon date there is ) Anything before three weeks ago simply did not exist. ( his eyes flick back to dice, brighter and more gentaro like. ) By some miracle, I managed to convince Shibuya’s dearest MC Dead or Alive to choose life, and one with a cat and wrinkling old man.
If you're an idiot, what's that make me? I'm sitting here still thinking back to when I got here and we... messed around and everything. Moons or not, I'm happy it happened. I needed that.
[The rest is all ancient history, to Dice. What matters has always been the moment he's in, not the skeletons in the past's closet, and not even the brightest of futures. Maybe Gentaro makes him think about the future, though, and that's... sure something.
Gentaro's right. He chose life. This life. And he wants it to be good. None of this is exciting. The past is extraneous drama and nonsense, and neither of them needs to look back. Gentaro is his only, his now, his future, and his fondest happiness. Hell, he didn't know he could feel this good without risking everything.]
A cat, and you, and uh... [He was holding onto this, but maybe it's the right time to bring it up. He runs a hand through his hair, then fusses with the die and beads hanging near his temple.] ...a job, actually.
( get ready for the greatest juxtaposition to ever exist, dice. gentaro hears him mention that, when he first got here, and his mind is already going, words already forming. it’s been months now, but in the grand scheme of things it’s felt like a blink of an eye. what’s a few moths out of twenty some odd years?
so he starts by commenting on that: ) Please. As if I hadn’t been hoping you’d return so I’d finally have a chance. ( with dice. perhaps not a relationship a first, but gentaro knows deep down he had probably wanted that, too. attachment. even if he lied to himself about it for weeks and weeks and weeks. )
( but then dice drops the job bomb, and it registers, and gentaro blinks. and bliiiinks. his eyes focus on the fiddling. ) ... You did? ( but — ) Why?
[Somehow, that heartens Dice, hearing that Gentaro wanted him to come back, that Gentaro was waiting for him. Being wanted is... wild. He's still not sure what to do with it. But he'll take it if it means feeling as incredible as this so fucking often.
If he had to go back and do it again, he realizes he wouldn't have changed a thing. They needed time to meet in the middle. He's okay with it hurting. That's life. And he loves life, now.]
I know, I know! I don't need to have one! I just thought maybe it'd help out.
( dice had always been the only one to ever capture gentaro’s attention long enough to want, to crave, to consider something as unknown as a relationship. it would be the only thing that wasn’t in gentaro’s sole control. and he didn’t regret a single second of it. )
I ... see. ( his face is warm and red and his heart is soaring. ) I — where? ( he’s smiling now and he feels so stupidly happy? that dice even thought to do something that he thought would “help”. it’s... sweet. too sweet. he’s leaning in some to brush his lips against dice’s cheek, nose halfway nuzzling that same spot after. ) Dear Dice, you beat me to one. I’m proud. ( it’s a tease but every single jest has some truth to it.
[He raises a hand to touch Gentaro's cheek, fingers sweeping over his skin. Really, he did do it out of love. Out of wanting to contribute something, instead of being just a siphon on their jointly gained funds. He can still gamble to his heart's delight, but now he'll have something to fall back on, and extra money so he can buy stuff for Gentaro when he sees it... And he'll give him one hell of a Valentine's, and White Day, and his birthday. He'll show all these fucking idiots who thought they could have even a piece of Gentaro that they're nothing. That he's worth Gentaro's attention and time.
He has a long way to go, but he'll be fine.]
Proud?
[He's... not sure anyone's ever been proud of him before.]
( was it weird to say he was proud? did it sound too paternal? he’s almost about to amend that, add another joke, make it clear he isn’t trying to suggest or imply he’s better than dice and therefore is proud for that reason.
again, dice’s second comment stops the gears in his head. and they change direction entirely.
host ... club.
the host’s... host club?
at least he didn’t say he was a stripper. )
That seems like a natural choice, given our previous lives. ( the DJ thing. he’s trying not bristle like a cat over a mere sideways mention of hifumi or that dice is going to be around that idiots for hours and hours and that host clubs are peculiar and gentaro doesn’t quite get them or )
Ah. One moment please. ( he feigns reaching to send a text — he doesn’t even turn it on. ) I have to inform a certain host that if he so much as looks at you improperly he’ll be without a certain limb~
( he’s quiet. he easily allows the phone to be moved aside. well... )
Perhaps ( he says slowly, tentatively ) I can begin to forgive him, if he’s willing to help you out.
( it’s a lot!! to even say aloud!! ) We had tea, once. I nearly poisoned my own halfway through. ( needless to say, hifumi just annoys him. but he doesn’t hate him. and if he really wants to help dice, maybe he can’t be too petty over that. ) But I’m willing to overlook such flagrant flaws if you’re happy.
[He presses his forehead to Gentaro's temple and wraps his arms around him.]
I ain't asking for anything like that. You think what you wanna think about him--he's still kinda annoying, anyway. But he got me a job, so I'm gonna be a little nicer.
[Dice isn't totally unaware of the friction between them, but Hifumi's done him a solid. He's gotta pay it back! But not at the expense of Gentaro's comfort, obviously.]
If you want me to work somewhere else, I'll keep lookin'. Nobody's ever been proud of me before, not that I can remember them sayin', so I don't wanna give up.
( his face turns even redder. his heart is racing and he feels lovesick all over again. will he ever get used to dating this beautiful and wild soul? )
No. Take the job.
( he isn’t going to let a petty spat with hifumi stop dice from this. )
The position seems to suit you well. ( he’s being honest, no lies here. remarkable. ) You’ll, of course, have to preview anything you make. Before debuting it to the public. ( yes he’s suggesting fucking to mixes dice ends up making. that’s exactly what he’s implying. )
[Dice just grins. They've come around from a sad, strained topic to Gentaro being honestly happy for him, he thinks. And that's all he can ask for. He's gotta take care of business, too.]
You bet! I'll probably ask you a lot about what works and what doesn't... You know, play it for you and stuff. I'm gonna be making shit up, and I'm actually kinda excited. Is that weird? Maybe I'll be good at it.
( it’s remarkable. it’s just a testament to their push and pull, their ability to see through it all and to come out stronger. )
I see. ( a hum and there’s an upturn of his lips; he’s definitely feeling better. ) Well, there is a saying that creative minds seek other one another out. It seems to track. I’d be glad to give you my honest opinion.
I've never done anything like this, but you're creating stuff all the time, right? I gotta catch up.
[It's funny how loving Gentaro has already changed his mindset and his life, how much he wants to be a better person, a better partner. Does he still gamble away a disproportionate amount of his chroma? Oh, sure. But he always comes home to Gentaro, always wants to make him smile and be there to share in the little dumb shit that makes life worth it. For once, life is worth it.]
Thanks... I didn't mean to change the subject or anything, I just... really wanted to tell you right away.
( is that what it’s like to have someone excited to tell you news? to share their day? it’s so surreal. while gentaro had had it briefly with his friend, it hadn’t been this level of... well, everything. )
I’m deeply offended. Mortally wounded.
( he feigns a sniffle behind a sleeve, eyes shutting for effect. but as the sleeve slips there’s a tug of a smile appearing. ) A lie, of course. I’m glad your first thought was to tell me and not to buy a fancier place to live than this. ( also a joke!!!!!! )
( god he’s in love with this idiot. how did he get so lucky and start letting someone in again? )
I don’t find it weird. ( it’s whimsically said, as if he’s almost afraid of how easy all of this. how natural. how much he feels like he belongs when he’s with dice. could this really last? )
In fact, I once made a wish a long time ago. Back before you returned here.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Oh, quite a bit. He’s terribly violent and borderline abusive.
( no lie. also intended to dispel any possible notion that there had ever been any stirrings or possibilities that gentaro would have ever grown attached. )
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You, uh...
[Shit, he doesn't want to sound jealous and he's thinking too hard which means he's going to say the wrong thing and fuck this up so maybe if he just backtracks and changes the subject like a guy doing a fucking bat-turn in an action movie...]
...You into that or something?
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No. At least, not with him. ( THINK HARD ON THAT DICE. )
To clarify, I had simply ... tolerated it because I was uncertain where we stood. It only confirmed that it wasn’t worth doing —any of it— if it wasn’t with you.
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He doesn't want to blame Gentaro for it. For not knowing, or wanting to confront it. Dice himself is just so weirdly up front with his emotions that wanting to hide them on this topic is new and kind of awful.
To be fair, he's not insecure about where he stands now. That's why he finds his own reaction strange and intolerable. He wants to forget anyone else ever happened. Or anything. He could say that he wished Gentaro had just talked to him about it, or that they'd figured it out together... But that wouldn't have worked.
No matter what he says, he's going to fuck things up. That's how he feels right now. And it's terrifying.
Plastering on a bright smile, he picks up his spoon again.]
It's no big. You're happy now, that's what matters, right?
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from the moment gentaro did it, he knew it’d be a big deal, one he couldn’t just shake off or forget or compartmentalize. it would be something he’d eventually have to tell dice, to mention, because this world isn’t that big in the grand scheme of things and he wasn’t going to hide something so awkward.
even with dice’s smile and words he knows there’s something off. he isn’t sure how, or why, and maybe he’s just projecting his own clawing guilt over something he knows neither of them want him to feel guilty over.
he sits up more, cat stirring and jumping away as if she senses the tension.
gentaro’s hand goes for dice’s cheek, cups it, hard, tries to turn his face towards him to kiss him with perhaps just as much desperation as that time they saw each other again after three weeks.
he’s sorry for being a coward back then, sorry for even bringing this up. it’s such a mess of a feeling but his lips are insistent, warm, apologetic. )
I love you. ( your shining star is a flawed, complicated and reckless mess of a man, not someone to be idolized. )
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No, he knows why. It's because he wasn't enough back then. No matter what he said or how many times he said it, Gentaro was--is--his own man, making his own decisions and living with them, too. As much as it hurts Dice, who's just an idiot in love for the first time, who doesn't even have a concept of this lasting or ending, it must eat away at Gentaro just as much. Maybe more. Dice knows that. He wants more than anything to reassure Gentaro. How?
The kiss settles him down somewhat, his lips working back against Gentaro's more gently, like rocks that dot a fast running stream. There's pressure in his chest and a lump in his throat, but he manages to speak when Gentaro does.]
That's all that matters. Whatever you did before... if you wanna tell me, that's fine, but you don't have to. You still picked me. And as long as you keep me around, I'll love you hard enough that you won't ever have to question it again.
[His real feelings. The past is done. He'll sock that shitty dick guy if he has to to shut him up, but Dice is secure. He knows Gentaro meant it when he said he only wanted him. They're something, even if they came from nothing. Dice holds on to the meaning this has given him maybe a little too tightly. And maybe he's idolizing Gentaro because of his skills and not acknowledging often enough that the man is human. It's clear now. Again. They had an idyllic couple of weeks, but this is reality. They're both flawed. And that's okay.]
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he bumps their foreheads together and takes a deep breath. he should have done that from the beginning. dice may be the younger of them but he’s so much more emotionally mature. somehow. )
Ask whatever you’d like to know, and I’ll tell you. ( about anything, anyone, any time. ) As you know, I’m a terribly sore loser... so I intend on keeping this. ( a beat. ) You. ( he was dead serious when he said he’s only ever felt alive with dice, truly enjoyed physical contact with dice. ) And showing you just how brightly you burn.
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[Pulling back, he picks up his plate and moves it off his lap to the side table, then takes one of Gentaro's hands.]
I don't care if it's, like, Ramuda or that host guy. [Both of which sound preposterous!] They're just guys who weren't good enough for you. [He holds eye contact, serious for once.] I love you so fuckin' much. If any of them get on your case about it, they can talk to my shoe when it hits their face. If they don't respect you, I'm not giving them the time of day.
[Dice has no concept of how actually kind and generous he can be. He doesn't realize he's worth effort and time and care. He just thinks of this as something exciting and fun and never boring, and he does what comes naturally. It'll take some very blunt talk to get him to wise up to his own value. But he's trying so hard to be better, too. He smiles softly.]
You're the cool one. You just gotta get past the dumb shit and remember that.
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dice’s words do make a great deal of sense. he shouldn’t dwell on what this place may or may not have forced him to do, what mistakes he made... he’s been given a gift, weirdly, a time and space to exist without consequence from his life before here, and now again with dice who looks so serious when he says he loves him.
starting today, he’s forgetting dice wasn’t his first. if it’s up to gentaro, dice will be his last; he’s tired of losing precious things and chances at being happy. )
I really am an idiot, aren’t I? ( he muses aloud and curls his fingers tightly in dice’s. ) All right. Starting now, ( he murmurs it and glances down at his device to confirm whatever weird moon date there is ) Anything before three weeks ago simply did not exist. ( his eyes flick back to dice, brighter and more gentaro like. ) By some miracle, I managed to convince Shibuya’s dearest MC Dead or Alive to choose life, and one with a cat and wrinkling old man.
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[The rest is all ancient history, to Dice. What matters has always been the moment he's in, not the skeletons in the past's closet, and not even the brightest of futures. Maybe Gentaro makes him think about the future, though, and that's... sure something.
Gentaro's right. He chose life. This life. And he wants it to be good. None of this is exciting. The past is extraneous drama and nonsense, and neither of them needs to look back. Gentaro is his only, his now, his future, and his fondest happiness. Hell, he didn't know he could feel this good without risking everything.]
A cat, and you, and uh... [He was holding onto this, but maybe it's the right time to bring it up. He runs a hand through his hair, then fusses with the die and beads hanging near his temple.] ...a job, actually.
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so he starts by commenting on that: ) Please. As if I hadn’t been hoping you’d return so I’d finally have a chance. ( with dice. perhaps not a relationship a first, but gentaro knows deep down he had probably wanted that, too. attachment. even if he lied to himself about it for weeks and weeks and weeks. )
( but then dice drops the job bomb, and it registers, and gentaro blinks. and bliiiinks. his eyes focus on the fiddling. ) ... You did? ( but — ) Why?
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If he had to go back and do it again, he realizes he wouldn't have changed a thing. They needed time to meet in the middle. He's okay with it hurting. That's life. And he loves life, now.]
I know, I know! I don't need to have one! I just thought maybe it'd help out.
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I ... see. ( his face is warm and red and his heart is soaring. ) I — where? ( he’s smiling now and he feels so stupidly happy? that dice even thought to do something that he thought would “help”. it’s... sweet. too sweet. he’s leaning in some to brush his lips against dice’s cheek, nose halfway nuzzling that same spot after. ) Dear Dice, you beat me to one. I’m proud. ( it’s a tease but every single jest has some truth to it.
he’s in love and proud. )
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He has a long way to go, but he'll be fine.]
Proud?
[He's... not sure anyone's ever been proud of him before.]
It's at the host club... I'm gonna be a DJ.
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again, dice’s second comment stops the gears in his head. and they change direction entirely.
host ... club.
the host’s... host club?
at least he didn’t say he was a stripper. )
That seems like a natural choice, given our previous lives. ( the DJ thing. he’s trying not bristle like a cat over a mere sideways mention of hifumi or that dice is going to be around that idiots for hours and hours and that host clubs are peculiar and gentaro doesn’t quite get them or )
Ah. One moment please. ( he feigns reaching to send a text — he doesn’t even turn it on. ) I have to inform a certain host that if he so much as looks at you improperly he’ll be without a certain limb~
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He's chill now, kinda. I'll kick his ass if he does anything stupid, don't worry. He actually, uh... vouched for me with the owner.
[This is dangerous territory...]
He's kind of an idiot, but he knows a lot of people, so I thought he could help. He won't bug me, though, and I'll keep him off your case if I gotta.
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Perhaps ( he says slowly, tentatively ) I can begin to forgive him, if he’s willing to help you out.
( it’s a lot!! to even say aloud!! ) We had tea, once. I nearly poisoned my own halfway through. ( needless to say, hifumi just annoys him. but he doesn’t hate him. and if he really wants to help dice, maybe he can’t be too petty over that. ) But I’m willing to overlook such flagrant flaws if you’re happy.
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I ain't asking for anything like that. You think what you wanna think about him--he's still kinda annoying, anyway. But he got me a job, so I'm gonna be a little nicer.
[Dice isn't totally unaware of the friction between them, but Hifumi's done him a solid. He's gotta pay it back! But not at the expense of Gentaro's comfort, obviously.]
If you want me to work somewhere else, I'll keep lookin'. Nobody's ever been proud of me before, not that I can remember them sayin', so I don't wanna give up.
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No. Take the job.
( he isn’t going to let a petty spat with hifumi stop dice from this. )
The position seems to suit you well. ( he’s being honest, no lies here. remarkable. ) You’ll, of course, have to preview anything you make. Before debuting it to the public. ( yes he’s suggesting fucking to mixes dice ends up making. that’s exactly what he’s implying. )
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You bet! I'll probably ask you a lot about what works and what doesn't... You know, play it for you and stuff. I'm gonna be making shit up, and I'm actually kinda excited. Is that weird? Maybe I'll be good at it.
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I see. ( a hum and there’s an upturn of his lips; he’s definitely feeling better. ) Well, there is a saying that creative minds seek other one another out. It seems to track. I’d be glad to give you my honest opinion.
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[It's funny how loving Gentaro has already changed his mindset and his life, how much he wants to be a better person, a better partner. Does he still gamble away a disproportionate amount of his chroma? Oh, sure. But he always comes home to Gentaro, always wants to make him smile and be there to share in the little dumb shit that makes life worth it. For once, life is worth it.]
Thanks... I didn't mean to change the subject or anything, I just... really wanted to tell you right away.
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I’m deeply offended. Mortally wounded.
( he feigns a sniffle behind a sleeve, eyes shutting for effect. but as the sleeve slips there’s a tug of a smile appearing. ) A lie, of course. I’m glad your first thought was to tell me and not to buy a fancier place to live than this. ( also a joke!!!!!! )
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[Dice smiles broadly, his trepidation ebbing away completely.]
I love bein' with you. Just us, you know? It's weird, yeah, but it's good. Like stuff means somethin'.
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I don’t find it weird. ( it’s whimsically said, as if he’s almost afraid of how easy all of this. how natural. how much he feels like he belongs when he’s with dice. could this really last? )
In fact, I once made a wish a long time ago. Back before you returned here.