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Entry tags:
inbox.
voice. | text. | action.
voice. | text. | action.
Had I simply told you I was falling in love with you rather than avoid it, it certainly would have saved a great deal of stress. For us and poor Cat.
( there you go, dice. in plain words the reason he went cold and avoided you. not anything dice did or didn’t do. )
( there you go, dice. in plain words the reason he went cold and avoided you. not anything dice did or didn’t do. )
............'sthat why?
[Dice can't help laughing.]
Man, you got me good. I thought you hated me or something.
[Dice can't help laughing.]
Man, you got me good. I thought you hated me or something.
I probably wasn't ready to like... commit. To being a thing. I needed the time to think. I ain't mad, anyway.
Not sayin' it didn't suck, because it did, but I got you in the end.
[Grinning.]
I love you, Gentaro. Better than anybody else ever could.
[Grinning.]
I love you, Gentaro. Better than anybody else ever could.
Ugh, you kidder...
[His old exaggerated annoyance... But it turns into a smile.]
Always good to know you ain't lost your touch, though. Don't get soft on me, okay?
[His old exaggerated annoyance... But it turns into a smile.]
Always good to know you ain't lost your touch, though. Don't get soft on me, okay?
[He's going back to work, but about an hour after that last message he's unlocking the door to their apartment with a modest bouquet of brightly colored flowers in the crook of one arm and a few bags of candy and chips in a grocery sack.]
Hey, I'm home!
Hey, I'm home!
( gentaro has taken to just laying on the bed, on top of the sheets, staring at the ceiling, letting both cat and prince lay around him. he didn’t want to talk about it. he didn’t want to think about it. rather, he would have preferred to write, but that toxic feeling sloshing in his stomach prevented anything useful from coming to the forefront of his mind.
he’s not mad.
he’s not mad he’s not mad he’s not mad. dice has been everything he’s wanted and he’s not mad dice is trying new things and getting new skills and growing.
ah— is he afraid that while dice is growing, he isn’t, and that one day he’ll be left behind?
that’s absurd. ludicrous.
his hand slips down his face and he glances up when he hears dice. )
Back here.
he’s not mad.
he’s not mad he’s not mad he’s not mad. dice has been everything he’s wanted and he’s not mad dice is trying new things and getting new skills and growing.
ah— is he afraid that while dice is growing, he isn’t, and that one day he’ll be left behind?
that’s absurd. ludicrous.
his hand slips down his face and he glances up when he hears dice. )
Back here.
[He doesn't... sound great. And Dice's heart drops into the pit of his stomach. They're so bad at talking about things that aren't right, but maybe if he apologizes it'll fix it? Or... maybe he should actually figure out what's going on... Because text is too hard, and Gentaro definitely uses writing as a defense mechanism and a mask. Even idiot Dice has figured that much out. They've been dating for months. He better know.
He toes his shoes off and heads for the bedroom, flowers in hand, dropping the candy and chips off on the coffee table. His work suit is a deep purple with black flower patterns on the lapels and cuffs, and his hair is pushed back and hairsprayed into submission. A few strands stray over his forehead, testament to him messing with the look during the course of the evening.
This is earlier than he's usually off, so he's actually kind of excited that he's not keeping Gentaro up forever, or coming home to him already asleep.
But... the elephant.
He opens the bedroom door, already cracked half open, and looks in at Gentaro with a faint smile before brightening and moving in to sit beside him on the bed. Usually he'd greet him with a kiss, awake or asleep, but he's kind of unsure if he's done something wrong, so he hesitates.]
You look kinda pale... Are you gettin' sick?
He toes his shoes off and heads for the bedroom, flowers in hand, dropping the candy and chips off on the coffee table. His work suit is a deep purple with black flower patterns on the lapels and cuffs, and his hair is pushed back and hairsprayed into submission. A few strands stray over his forehead, testament to him messing with the look during the course of the evening.
This is earlier than he's usually off, so he's actually kind of excited that he's not keeping Gentaro up forever, or coming home to him already asleep.
But... the elephant.
He opens the bedroom door, already cracked half open, and looks in at Gentaro with a faint smile before brightening and moving in to sit beside him on the bed. Usually he'd greet him with a kiss, awake or asleep, but he's kind of unsure if he's done something wrong, so he hesitates.]
You look kinda pale... Are you gettin' sick?
( he has no qualms falling into bed with dice, with getting drunk and loudly proclaiming to the heavens he’s absolutely in love. but this? anything that isn’t endorphin inducing? that’s hard. )
Perhaps. I didn’t eat much today.
( he feels like a petty school boy all over again. dice did absolutely nothing wrong. dice wearing this outfit is undeniably attractive. but it just reminds gentaro all over again of what he doesn’t know, what he doesn’t get to see. what his own insecurities rudely make up. )
Perhaps. I didn’t eat much today.
( he feels like a petty school boy all over again. dice did absolutely nothing wrong. dice wearing this outfit is undeniably attractive. but it just reminds gentaro all over again of what he doesn’t know, what he doesn’t get to see. what his own insecurities rudely make up. )
[They've always been passionate, but logic hasn't really visited them frequently. It's good to talk through things, but damn, it's hard.
Dice smiles, eyes squinting closed.]
I got you flowers! The purple ones reminded me of you... Thought they'd brighten up your desk...
[He trails off.]
Want me to make you somethin' to eat? Just needta change clothes and I can whip something up, maybe?
Dice smiles, eyes squinting closed.]
I got you flowers! The purple ones reminded me of you... Thought they'd brighten up your desk...
[He trails off.]
Want me to make you somethin' to eat? Just needta change clothes and I can whip something up, maybe?
( gentaro feels every single muscle tense. so they’re avoiding it. they’re not talking about it. isn’t that what he wants? isn’t that easier?
except it’ll just keep festering. it’ll fester like if has been since dice mentioned all of this in the first place. gentaro has turned into a cliche from a story and he hates it.
he sits up, staring blankly at the wall ahead of him. )
... I’m jealous. ( he says it and immediately regrets it, the word bitter. )
except it’ll just keep festering. it’ll fester like if has been since dice mentioned all of this in the first place. gentaro has turned into a cliche from a story and he hates it.
he sits up, staring blankly at the wall ahead of him. )
... I’m jealous. ( he says it and immediately regrets it, the word bitter. )
[Dice's smile falters as he watches Gentaro sit up. Then he says that, and Dice regrets every decision he's ever made regarding the host club.]
Well ...I mean, it's not like I'm gonna flirt with anybody else, so you don't need to be jealous of some chick...
[He's biting back a more extreme sentiment, a nuclear option that he thinks is too hasty and stupid and might sound like a weirdly manipulative piece of bullshit, like something his mother would say. Choosing words carefully is hard.]
Well ...I mean, it's not like I'm gonna flirt with anybody else, so you don't need to be jealous of some chick...
[He's biting back a more extreme sentiment, a nuclear option that he thinks is too hasty and stupid and might sound like a weirdly manipulative piece of bullshit, like something his mother would say. Choosing words carefully is hard.]
( he trusts dice. he trusts him with his life, with everything, and, yet he’s struggling so hard with this. the words should soothe him but they don’t. dice isn’t getting the point. gentaro isn’t sure why he would have. )
I know. And I trust you.
( this isn’t about that unbreakable bond they had even as teammates. )
But you’re — a very attractive man, Dice. They certainly will flirt with you.
( he isn’t sure how to say any of this. )
I know. And I trust you.
( this isn’t about that unbreakable bond they had even as teammates. )
But you’re — a very attractive man, Dice. They certainly will flirt with you.
( he isn’t sure how to say any of this. )
[Gradually, with each moment, Dice's brow furrows, and the flowers he's holding roll down onto the bed between them.]
Nobody's gonna flirt with me, Gentaro. Seriously!
[He sounds terrified underneath it, like something bad is happening that he can't control. There's that tiny hint of nervous energy in that last proclamation that's a dead giveaway at this point. He's never been the kind of guy who needs control. He lives for the moment, lives for the thrill.
This... is not thrilling. It's sad.]
I ain't touched a single other person since I got with you. I don't wanna, either. I'm not gonna so much as hold some lady's hand. You... if you trust me, why are you upset?
[He's not accusing, he just doesn't understand.]
Nobody's gonna flirt with me, Gentaro. Seriously!
[He sounds terrified underneath it, like something bad is happening that he can't control. There's that tiny hint of nervous energy in that last proclamation that's a dead giveaway at this point. He's never been the kind of guy who needs control. He lives for the moment, lives for the thrill.
This... is not thrilling. It's sad.]
I ain't touched a single other person since I got with you. I don't wanna, either. I'm not gonna so much as hold some lady's hand. You... if you trust me, why are you upset?
[He's not accusing, he just doesn't understand.]
( he feels defensive. he feels utterly on edge all of a sudden. why is dice questioning his trust? why is he the one getting upset?
he feels his hands tense into tight balls against the bed. his breathing is a little heavier, shakier. )
I’ve never had anything before you. ( not just romantically. ) Does the idea of me growing anxious because countless people get to see just a glimpse of what I do seem so outlandish or inconceivable?
he feels his hands tense into tight balls against the bed. his breathing is a little heavier, shakier. )
I’ve never had anything before you. ( not just romantically. ) Does the idea of me growing anxious because countless people get to see just a glimpse of what I do seem so outlandish or inconceivable?
[Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit fuck.
Dice folds his hands on his lap and shrinks back a little.]
No... That's not...
[He looks down at his hands and stares through them, his mind working and working because he just thinks a little differently. If Gentaro had some job that put him in front of people, he's pretty sure he'd never be jealous. He knows Gentaro loves him, and he'd laugh in the face of anybody who tried to fuck with that. He wouldn't feel bad for a damn second. That's just how strong their bond is, in his eyes.
There's a question, unspoken. He won't put it to words.
This hurts. He forgets love can hurt.]
I'll, uh... Okay. I'll do something about it. Sorry, Gentaro. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'd never want that.
Dice folds his hands on his lap and shrinks back a little.]
No... That's not...
[He looks down at his hands and stares through them, his mind working and working because he just thinks a little differently. If Gentaro had some job that put him in front of people, he's pretty sure he'd never be jealous. He knows Gentaro loves him, and he'd laugh in the face of anybody who tried to fuck with that. He wouldn't feel bad for a damn second. That's just how strong their bond is, in his eyes.
There's a question, unspoken. He won't put it to words.
This hurts. He forgets love can hurt.]
I'll, uh... Okay. I'll do something about it. Sorry, Gentaro. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'd never want that.
( gentaro exhales, the fear that it’d escalate dissipating. dice isn’t leaving. dice isn’t pissed. dice doesn’t think him weak or less of a person. gentaro just keeps breathing, tries to bring his heart rate back to normal. )
Dice. No. ( he lifts a hand finally and gently glides his palm against his cheek. )
You’re not going to do anything about it. Not like that. ( he won’t make dice change, won’t make him quit his first job ever because gentaro can’t get out of his own way. )
Instead, you’re going to marry me. This month.
Dice. No. ( he lifts a hand finally and gently glides his palm against his cheek. )
You’re not going to do anything about it. Not like that. ( he won’t make dice change, won’t make him quit his first job ever because gentaro can’t get out of his own way. )
Instead, you’re going to marry me. This month.
[Dice wants to yell. He wants to overreact. It's taking everything in him not to. For once in his idiotic, pointless life, he's trying to understand that his way isn't the only way. He's always been about people doing their own thing, living free, taking risks, but... Gentaro is the one thing he absolutely does not want to risk even for a moment.
He's never in his life regretted a bet, but he's regretting the one that got him into the commercial with all the heaviness in his gut.
But then he feels that familiar, dearly loved hand on his cheek, and he looks up, eyes still confused, glassy.]
Wh--
[Protesting the lack of action seems like the right way to do things, but that last line stops Dice in his tracks. Something else wells up in him alongside the fear, excitement. Gentaro still wants to be with him, even though he screwed up?
A grin breaks out, and he can't choke out words right away around the lump in his throat. Raising a hand, he places it over Gentaro's.]
I'd... I'd marry you tomorrow in front of everybody ever if you wanted it! Shit, Gentaro... You gotta know I'm not... I'm not gonna hurt you. Or let anybody come between us. And nobody, nobody gets me like you do. [Even if that's not always true, it feels good to think it.] Nobody's gonna see what you see in me, or get the me that you get. This whole fuckin' hot mess is all yours, now and forever.
He's never in his life regretted a bet, but he's regretting the one that got him into the commercial with all the heaviness in his gut.
But then he feels that familiar, dearly loved hand on his cheek, and he looks up, eyes still confused, glassy.]
Wh--
[Protesting the lack of action seems like the right way to do things, but that last line stops Dice in his tracks. Something else wells up in him alongside the fear, excitement. Gentaro still wants to be with him, even though he screwed up?
A grin breaks out, and he can't choke out words right away around the lump in his throat. Raising a hand, he places it over Gentaro's.]
I'd... I'd marry you tomorrow in front of everybody ever if you wanted it! Shit, Gentaro... You gotta know I'm not... I'm not gonna hurt you. Or let anybody come between us. And nobody, nobody gets me like you do. [Even if that's not always true, it feels good to think it.] Nobody's gonna see what you see in me, or get the me that you get. This whole fuckin' hot mess is all yours, now and forever.
( dice’s words chase away that fear. any darkness that had been festering simply goes away and he feels lighter, less burdened, as if he won’t lose it all if he didn’t put things as eloquently as possible.
dice still wants him. not just for fun or for awhile, but forever.
gentaro smiles at the words, hand coming up to gently mess with the front of dice’s hair to loosen some of the strands. )
I’m a terribly broken person, Dice, but I want to be better for you. If that’s all right with you.
dice still wants him. not just for fun or for awhile, but forever.
gentaro smiles at the words, hand coming up to gently mess with the front of dice’s hair to loosen some of the strands. )
I’m a terribly broken person, Dice, but I want to be better for you. If that’s all right with you.
You're not broken. You just got a couple dings here and there.
[He puts his hand on Gentaro's cheek now, still completely tense but trying to let it go. That was scary. It was too much.]
You do what you wanna do, but right now, just the way you are, you're already everything I want.
[He puts his hand on Gentaro's cheek now, still completely tense but trying to let it go. That was scary. It was too much.]
You do what you wanna do, but right now, just the way you are, you're already everything I want.
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